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Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
fair
Still laughing at this stupid meme
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.