BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
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[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up