I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
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Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD