I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
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If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
this is what they would have looked like, though
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.