“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
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Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out