‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
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The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL