The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
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A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
fourth time’s the charm
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH