roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
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[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.