On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
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My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
*performs CPR on the turkey*
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
scares
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.