There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
You Might Also Like
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra