If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
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Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I drew y’all a little something.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.