Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
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Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
August 8
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]