Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
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Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no