Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
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My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
checking out some reviews of my local library
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*