Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
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Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.