alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
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This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.