Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
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It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit