Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
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Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish