Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
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The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I’m putting together a team
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey