My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
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“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.