*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
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Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.