Some people were born into their job.
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Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.