Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
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Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
wow
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any