I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
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As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child