somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
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Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
What my back needs
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since