So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
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I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)