get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
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At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call