Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
You Might Also Like
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Hey I worked for it too!
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this