I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
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Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I know karate and tons of other words.
oh my gosh!!
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair