Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
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I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
quarantine day 3
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what