[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
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A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I donât want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
A farmer asked his neighbor
âI think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?â
âCastor oilâ
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
âHey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!ââKilled mine tooâ
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
If youâre 6â5â tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like âyeah, THATâs gone now…â
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isnât it?
coworker: um. this just isnât what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Me: look, Iâm just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didnât need to change in a phone booth
Her: youâre like the opposite of joy
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . đđ¤Ł
âMommy donât sit on the swing because youâre going to make it wider!â – my daughter screaming to me at the park
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You canât be too careful.
Aquarius: This week youâre feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.