My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
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I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula