*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
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I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I just love that new Pope smell.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
all bases covered
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.