I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
me when the borders lift
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.