Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
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Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
ok this is my dumbest yet
Where’s my employee discount too?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
God, I love Scotland
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid