My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
You Might Also Like
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”