My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
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The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I mean…but I did
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet