You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
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Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.