“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
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I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
A choir of Spring onions
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.