gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
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Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑