I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
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Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go