Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
You Might Also Like
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
What about second breakfast?
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started