Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
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There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Did my cat write this
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!