there will never be a funnier headline than this one
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My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Meme Monday.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha