Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
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i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*