Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
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“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.