People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
You Might Also Like
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Natty or not?
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I’m not lazy
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.