eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
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oh u like geography? name every lake
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.