I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
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I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Fights fire with marshmallows
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.