That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
You Might Also Like
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell